Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
You Might Also Like
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time