CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
☠️☠️☠️
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.