Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave