Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
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After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]