Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
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*pulls fire alarm*
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
You’ve just made a very lazy enemy my friend.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog