My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
You Might Also Like
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
this chia pet tastes awful
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”