Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
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Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.