Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
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“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Time heals everything 🙂
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!