@carolinamess_

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

You Might Also Like

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

@DomBorrett

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

@casablankstare

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

@bea_ker

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

@katiefzack

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

@pixelatedboat

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

@daddydoubts

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.