Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
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Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
this is so accurate
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.