@carolinamess_

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

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@RykWeston

So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.

@Jodesaroo

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

@JilliBearr

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

@iGreenGod

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

@CatsVsHumanity

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

@SnarkyMommy78

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

@ADHDeanASL

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

@emsykay

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off