[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
[ roll credits ]
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
You Might Also Like
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
English gangsters be like “Listen here my darling little G this delightful nook of absolute heaven is our area of residence and there’s simply no place for someone who was clearly born out off wedlock, …do you comprehend me my G”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too