BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

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[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]


*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*


It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.


When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.


[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp


English gangsters be like “Listen here my darling little G this delightful nook of absolute heaven is our area of residence and there’s simply no place for someone who was clearly born out off wedlock, …do you comprehend me my G”


Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.


me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too