BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
The options really are this bad
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁