Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My new favorite headline
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Order here:
More here:
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place