Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
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Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
This squirrel eats better than I do
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.