BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
dads on road-trips be like