@cwhudson

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

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@Breadery

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

@littleliterally

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

@GinAndJif

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

@JediGigi

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

@MEQ_777

I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?

@chrisanna4real

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

@Donna_McCoy

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

@SortaBad

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!