@cwhudson

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

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@Jandalize

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

@Sassafrantz

Out of all the children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh

@DaveTheAlbino

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

@egg_dog

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

@Shade510

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

@huntigula

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

@1MeLrO

They say honey is good for you when you’re sick

I’m dipping my fried chicken strips in it and I do feel less stabby

@climaxximus

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

@PatsATweetin

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!