Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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Out of all the children’s stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How’s someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
They say honey is good for you when you’re sick
I’m dipping my fried chicken strips in it and I do feel less stabby
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!