@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

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@Coops_Bradley

That’s a really big gun in your pants.

And that’s how you get out of a speeding ticket.

@ArfMeasures

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

@pleatedjeans

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@envydatropic

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

@minkpinkustink

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

@Hey_Sascha

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.