I’ve never dropped acid. I always get it in my mouth on the first try
“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”
You Might Also Like
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
That’s a really big gun in your pants.
And that’s how you get out of a speeding ticket.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.