“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

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You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)


You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer


i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters


The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.


If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.


Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…


Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”