I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[first day as a lawyer]
ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.
JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?