BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I’m Sold!
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”