@TheTimmyToes

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

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@Lisabug74

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

@TabooBooSF

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

@JohnLyonTweets

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

@TheHyyyype

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@matt___nelson

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

@dafloydsta

[first day as a lawyer]

ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.

JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?