Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
And a medium?
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
What do we want?
When do we want them?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
God: hey can we talk?
Cat: what’s up?
God: I thought you loved the humans?
Cat: I love them so much!
God: but you ignore them like 90% of the time.
Cat: I’m playing hard to get.
Cat: don’t wanna seem too desperate.
Cat: omg did they say something about me?
when dads have a rap battle