That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
You Might Also Like
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Otters drive ottermobiles.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*