Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”