Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early