BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…