Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?