BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.