@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

You Might Also Like

@ericsshadow

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

@david8hughes

[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent

@imteddybless

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

@yobrah_

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

@BoomBoomBetty

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

@turtledumplin

Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.

@Smooheed

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

@stockejock

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.