The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.
Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now