Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?
It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.