@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

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@SeanBlazed

The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

@NurseKimaaa

It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.

@shutupmikeginn

Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp

@bea_ker

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

@Kaladas4U2NV

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

@FrenulumBreve

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now