BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

You Might Also Like


Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES


[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent


my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth


Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]


Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.


Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit


‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.


Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.