@Social_Mime

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

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@AimeeHelene1

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

@ToxicProbably

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

@meakoopa

JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels

@MouthOfSass

If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

@kimtopher22

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

@hippieswordfish

ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong

@Michael_Erhart

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

@stacetoned

If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.

@TheTweetOfGod

Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.