Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!


[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!


I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this


JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels


If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.


I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.


ME: isn’t this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what’s wrong


Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”


If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.


Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.