Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
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Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..