Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
mood
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
This is hilarious….
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it