me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
You Might Also Like
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.
she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,
“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”
Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.
Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”
God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”
i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..
SATAN: Welcome to hell
ME: That’s nice, giving me a welcome
S: I never thought of it like that
M: You’re a nice guy
S: *tearing up* no u are