@T_N_Crumpets

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

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@KeetPotato

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

@WheelTod

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

@donjuantip

Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.

@INTERNETRICO

she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud

@sickipediabot

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”

@C_A_Guardiola

Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I’m going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.

@darkmatter_wimp

Satan: “I’m gonna put letters in mathematics. Lol!”

God: “I’m gonna make them all kill each other because of me.”

Satan: “Dude…”

@DiscoFruit

i’m gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that’s attached to your house, we’ll attack you..

– bees

@ArfMeasures

SATAN: Welcome to hell
ME: That’s nice, giving me a welcome
S: I never thought of it like that
M: You’re a nice guy
S: *tearing up* no u are