“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.