“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down

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“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers


Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.


Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.


Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.


When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone


Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I’m about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren’t working


*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*


*underlines it*


The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.