@SuperTeeWhy

[Bar]
“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down

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@abbycohenwl

“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“Church?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers

@iGreenGod

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

@LemmingDad

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

@LivibelsDada

Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.

@AnOrangeSNES

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

@TySmithdrums

Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I’m about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren’t working

@ParasiteHilton

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

@mommajessiec

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.