I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Two long necks please”
Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-
Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down
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[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.
[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]
*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*