@SuperTeeWhy

[Bar]
“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down

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@daemonic3

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.

@HysteriaBarbie

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

@brunopieroni

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

@SarcasticCharm

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

@drinksmcgee

[Park]

Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.

@Kauaibride

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?