baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
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Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.