Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
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“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
So sick of all these stupid rules
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The French word for sex is croissant.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done