I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
You Might Also Like
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
keep your friends close and your red lobster cheddar bay biscuits closer
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.