@TuSoonShakur

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

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@Wine_honey1

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

@sad_tree

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

@Tobi_Is_Fab

keep your friends close and your red lobster cheddar bay biscuits closer

@Just__J0

This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.

@BonaFideIntent

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

@mack44_d

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

@jwoodham

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@Torgo_phylum

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow