Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
You Might Also Like
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Eat…
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Twitter remains undefeated
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.