IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I’ve been learning to cook.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too