Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
6. me as a lawyer
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.