Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

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I know someone who puts raisins in meatballs so don’t even try to talk to me about psychos


My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.


Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link


Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.


Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…


“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”


The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything


Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.


These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.


These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I’m going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.