@simoncholland

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

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@yonewt

I know someone who puts raisins in meatballs so don’t even try to talk to me about psychos

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

@LisforLia

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

@HenpeckedHal

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

@PHDaniel_Street

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

@HatfieldAnne

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

@Bob_Janke

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

@Nahdude83

Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

@myonlymizztake

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

@stonedcognition

These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I’m going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.