Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I don’t know what to do
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.