Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
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[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move