Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
You Might Also Like
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon