@astutenewf

Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I’m pretty sure I’m 80% rice krispies.

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@AsgardianRose

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

@L8yK8y

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

@TheTweetOfGod

Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.

@MelissatheDuffy

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

@Quadricycle

*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec

@mjkspeaks

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

@ShaunRightNow

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

@1Happytwit

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.