The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced