Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I’m pretty sure I’m 80% rice krispies.

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Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.


Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.


Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.


I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance


Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”


*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec


[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.


Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.


You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.