Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
so much to do
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.