Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there’s no need to vote for Trump.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up