@SuperRandomish

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

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@Dawn_M_

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

@Tmoney68

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@TheMichaelRock

If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there’s no need to vote for Trump.

@Pirate_nurse

In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour

@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

@ThugRaccoons

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

@T_N_Crumpets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up