Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

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Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.


*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*


Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek


Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?


Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting


1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.


White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo


to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other


How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.