@farleftcoast

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

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@shkeeber

I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

@Shenaniglenns

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

@jimmytorosian

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

@KevinFarzad

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

@JustinGuarini

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

@hippieswordfish

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600