@farleftcoast

Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.

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@SondraDeeMe

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

@justabloodygame

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

@Chonfucius

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

@EricGoldie

Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?

@ArfMeasures

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

@markleggett

1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.

@avaxnj

White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo

@aRealLiveGhost

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

@skitzoette

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.