My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
#Caturday
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?