Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

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[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*


Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.


Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.


Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.


“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians


Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October


*First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.


Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.


Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.