Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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My birth announcement for our third baby
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
when nothing goes right… go left
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.