Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef

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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now


“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.


no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball


I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive


On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.


You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.


Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv


You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!


told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.