I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Can’t stop laughing
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Girl, same.
This is a whole mood;
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”