@brittwastaken

Based on my Netflix recommendations I’m either a serial killer or chef

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@pittdave13

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

@architextbry

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

@suecorvette

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

@envydatropic

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

@bourgeoisalien

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

@ericacanrant

You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.

@AHotMessMomma

Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv

@TheMichaelRock

You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!

@cULTMOTHER

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.