Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.