Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
You Might Also Like
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I’d use my best pan on you.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders