Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
who will stop them
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.