I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.