@ReginaldDennys

Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I’m bleeding to death in the ER.

You Might Also Like

@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor

@TheToddWilliams

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

@Schmoodles

Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?

@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

@AliKolbert

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

@ndiquote

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

@DearAuntAbby

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

@kyry5

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

@hollyberryness

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.