Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
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I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance