A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *
*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
A bathroom fixture is knocking at your door.
Just let that sink in.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”