Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Can’t. Being lazy.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
who wore it better?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.