@KentWGraham

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

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@laurascaz

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

@Eden_Eats

*Rises from ashes like a Phoenix *

*hits snooze, and goes back into ashes for another 9 min *

@_correctomundo

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

@thedad

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

@huntigula

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

@thegreatnanak

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

@MomofTeen

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

@notacroc

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

@kellyoxford

7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”