Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this