Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
jesus christ confetti not now
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.