At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.