Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.