@RachelNoise

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

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@MrMichaelSpicer

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

@mister_blank

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

@skedaddle74

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

@junejuly12

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

@kieransofar

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

@famouscrab

some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what

@Laser_Cat

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

@KentWGraham

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.