My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.