1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
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Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.